On Becoming A Widow

I became a widow at forty-seven years of age. I'd always thought my husband and I would be together forever, or at least a lot longer than the twenty years we had. In that time frame we had three boys, who at the time of his passing were eleven, eighteen and nineteen years of age. When the reality of my situation sank in, I ran the gamut of emotions...shock, fear, an utter stillness of nothing, a frenzy of activity, and on and on. Emotions took me on a roller coaster ride of non-delight.

One day, not too long after my husband's memorial service, I recall waking up one morning. As I lay in bed, it came to me very clearly, "what do I do with the rest of my life?" I was suddenly overwhelmed with fear. I didn’t have a clue where I went from there. There was just this numbing heaviness in my chest. A question of “who am I really?” began to surface. I was no longer part of a unit I had sometimes taken for granted. I was no longer “Mrs.”, I was now a widow, a statistic. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or my circumstances, and yet I sometimes indulged in my own pity-party. Why had this happened to me? Why should I have to endure being alone?

I figured I had at least another forty years to do something with my life. Little did I know that this “ending” in my life would lead me on to another beginning, another wonderful, empowering phase of my life. I evolved in many ways, sometimes still caught in a net of fear, but choosing to move ahead anyway. Some choices were wrong for me, and yet others opened new doors I could not have foreseen.

Even now, I'm still in the midst of this incredible, uncharted process. I recently wrote a memoir of my last five years, starting with the diagnosis of my husband's cancer. I know in my heart that even though I wrote it as a catharsis for myself, other women needed to read it. In the beginning I was hesitant to share anything so personal as my true, gut-wrenching emotions. I wondered how and why would I share my private grieving? Maybe because in some way we’re all the same, and not crazy or different or alone.

My dreams have changed and my life has taken unexpected twists and turns, and I wouldn't change any of it. None of it is set in stone and incredibly, it has all made me the person I am today. Stronger, more aware and much more firmly grounded. I am where I am supposed to be and there is no going back, only forward.

Elaine Williams ©2008