Overcoming Roadblocks to Romance

"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." ~ William James

What road conditions are stopping you from unleashing yourself and driving like a diva into an extraordinary relationship?

Is your road harangued with the hairpin turns of expectation, insecurities and fear?

Maybe you’ve got some major communication blocks that are potholes for emotional and physical intimacy. To get out of the rut and find some smooth terrain you’ll need to shift gears and focus on the part of the path that’s an easy drive. Adjust your attention to the fact that your relationship is not about “you” or “him” but instead it’s about being a couple and understanding what it takes to create lasting love.

I recently read, The Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, by Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg. It's a back to basics book with sound advice. Read on to discover how simple the secrets are to create lasting love.

-Trust – this speaks to our core need for safety. Trust implies faith and confidence. When you trust someone you rely on their integrity, ability or character. You have faith that they will act in ways to uphold what matters to you. They won’t turn on you or let you down and they’ll keep their promises. To build more trust entrust each other with secrets you wouldn’t tell anyone – things you’re ashamed of , things that frighten you and cause you pain. It can be a risk – your partner may not be happy about what is being told. But generally when couples open up to each other it brings them closer than ever imagined.

-Empathy: when you can step away from your point of view to honestly ask, “Wow, what is this like for them,” you are offering true empathy. It’s judgment free. You’ll experience deeper love and more compassion. The most important time to use empathy is when you and your man are at odds – you may feel like screaming but if you can stop and reflect and ask yourself, “If I say what I’m about to say, what effect will this have on my partner?” What a powerful place to be – you can choose to vent angrily or create peace.

-Respect – is paramount in relationship – mutual respect makes us feel good about ourselves. We all want to be held in esteem by our partners and made to feel special. And respect makes both partners feel better about themselves creating self-respect. If respect is waning in your relationship here are a few things you can do: say what you mean, and mean what you say, stand up for yourself, become more reliable, be on time, do more for others, stop complaining about the same things, take charge.

-Enjoyment – taking delight in each other. Couples that enjoy each other love to spend time together whether engaging in activity or sitting quietly reading. They can’t wait to be with each other and when apart can’t wait to tell each other of their experience. If the enjoyment is gone ask yourself if you are taking responsibility for your own happiness or depending too much on your partner to bring you joy. Here are some tips to get your joy back: take care of yourself, cultivate appreciation, do something unpredictable and fun, avoid ruts, get messy, dance, take the day off to goof off together.

-Chemistry - initially so heady with intoxication you have to peel each other off and when you part it’s as though you’ve lost a part of yourself. Ideally this rolls into a mature love where the chemistry involves a mental and emotional bond. A lack of respect, trust, enjoyment, acceptance, and empathy can kill chemistry. It all works together.

Acceptance- true acceptance is opening your heart because you think that person is inherently worthy. You accept them as they are – no exceptions. It’s the closest thing to unconditional love we have. Make your partner feel more accepted by looking for what you can be thankful for with them. Then take it up a notch and look for qualities you admire and what they may have sacrificed to build those qualities. Lastly, acknowledge your partners positive traits.

Nothing too surprising about these six tips, yet, like the wheels of a car, they determine the safety, strength and joy of the ride. Simply put, without the foundation of healthy tires the car goes nowhere. So fine-tune your relationship with these highway helpers and you will enjoy a rockin ride for life.