Practice Being Kind to You

It can definitely be a learning curve to practice self-kindness, so this week I’d like to talk about step two: actively creating self-kindness in your mind.

Once you start recognizing when you are beating yourself up or judging yourself, you have opened the window to do something different with your mind. It might feel like you’ve just cracked the window, but I promise, you’re letting in some fresh air!

At first, you might notice that it takes you several days or even weeks to catch on to self-judgment. The more you practice noticing, the easier it gets. Eventually, you’ll see your mind start to turn down the self-judgment path and you’ll swiftly choose a different route.

Here’s an example. In the past, stepping on the scale used to be a catalyst for self-judgment for me. Whether it was up or down a few pounds hardly mattered. If I’d gained a pound, my mind spewed out terrible comments on my ability to control my eating and how terrible I looked. If I’d lost a pound, my mind would immediately jump to, “Well, this certainly won’t last.”

After practicing and working on self-kindness very specifically for the last couple of years or so, I’m able to choose something much nicer – before my mind even starts down those other roads. And the miraculous thing? I actually believe the kind words. That is the result of a lot of repetition. You might not believe your kind words to yourself at first, even if you’re saying them. And that’s okay! The more you practice, the easier it gets.

A couple weeks ago, I stepped on the scale to find a couple-pound increase. Instead of the old self-criticism, my mind went to this: “Hmmm. That’s interesting. I wonder why I’ve been overeating?” This curiosity led me to discover that I’d been avoiding some sadness and anger in the grief process and trying to suddenly be “done” grieving. What great information!

This was all a result of me asking that question from last week’s post: What is the kindest thing I could say to myself right now?

In the past, I would have applied force. I would have said, “Now you MUST stop overeating and exercise MORE this week.”

Just when you think you need force – you need more kindness. More force will only make it harder to know why whatever is happening is happening, and you’ll just want to rebel against it, anyway. The key is to shift that habit. As you feel yourself amping up into self-flagellation, see if you can downshift into kindness. Feel the difference in your body when you do that. Notice how much tension force and self-criticism create, versus the relaxation and relief of kindness.

If you’re ready to practice more self-kindness, you might enjoy the following exercise. I call it the I’m Awesome list. If that sounds egotistical, don’t worry. It’s not. I’ve found that with habitual self-criticizers, it’s pretty much impossible to create arrogance. The pendulum is swung so far to the self-criticism side that it would take some serious effort to get it all the way over to arrogant jerk. In fact, by actually embracing your awesomeness, you’re less likely to be myopically focused on your own shortcomings. Therefore, you end up being more present with other people. You’ll actually be less self-focused and more loving and compassionate toward others.

Here’s how you do it:

Get a notebook or huge peace of paper. At the top, write: The I’m Awesome List. Each day, add 1-3 specific reasons you are awesome. They can be seemingly small or incredibly huge. Whatever works for you goes on the list. If you need a little help getting started, enlist a friend. You’ll start her list, and she’ll start yours. Once you’re rolling, you’ll find it’s easier and easier to think of reasons you are awesome. (If you find this incredibly difficult, you can start with an “I’m Sort of Okay” list and work your way up to the I’m Awesome List.)