Prepare Teens to Leave the Nest

This month our family is experiencing two major transitions. Our youngest child is entering high school and our oldest is starting college out of town, in an apartment with three strangers. Each has brought unique challenges to my children — and us, their parents. Our experiences have reinforced the importance of the lessons we taught our college-bound child and those we need to focus on with our high-schooler.

The High School Years

Entering high school is simultaneously scary and exciting for teens, because of all the unknowns. I wish every high school did what Springboro High School did this year: offer a freshman orientation day. Knowing the school layout, schedules and “inside scoops” from upper-classmen eliminated the scary part of this new adventure. Now they can focus on learning and experiencing responsibility, such as following through with work assignments (at home and at jobs), choosing friends, managing extra-curricular activities and developing new relationships.

At home, teach teens independent-living skills such as how to do laundry, cook, clean and budget money. Don’t do for teens what they are capable of doing themselves. If you think your teens aren’t capable, it’s your job to teach them the skills they need. Also, don’t rescue them from problems or mistakes. Hold them accountable and teach them how to resolve problems and learn from mistakes.
Allow your communication with your teens to take on a new flavor — if you don’t, the teen years can leave a bitter taste. Teens are often more vocal and opinionated than younger children. They share their ideas and (maybe) ask what you think. Parents need to develop a mutually supportive relationship with their teens and seek win/win solutions.

This kind of communication takes time and effort. Parents must be available when teens are ready to talk and know when to talk and to listen. Heed the saying, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen twice as much as you talk.”

Who’s The Boss?

During the teen years, parents must establish a new level of trust with their teens and grant more freedom. Too much restrictiveness breeds rebellion; too much freedom gets teens in trouble. In college, students from overly-strict families often “go wild” with their new-found freedom. A healthy balance is to allow teens to have freedom and responsibilities, so they learn to balance each.

Reaching this balance takes conscious effort. Parents must refrain from telling teens what to do. Bottom-line boundaries are set by society and each family’s rules, expectations and values. Within those, let teens decide what is best for them. Ask helpful questions instead of giving advice.

Leaving Home – the Transition

For many families, a child leaving the nest comes easily, but for some it is stressful and full of conflict. As much as you hope you have prepared your teen, the reality is that some lessons are only gained by leaving home.

Within the first week of college, my son had to resolve problems with the bank, college housing and post office. It was important for him to resolve these himself. We discussed his options and how to handle it, but ultimately, he made the calls.

Although balancing college responsibilities and social activities can be difficult — this is usually not the most challenging part of college.

Roommates

Many teens have privacy at home; they have their own room and space. In college, most share a room with at least one other person, usually a stranger. Of all the college transitions, this is perhaps the most difficult.

Colleges try to match roommates using vague general qualities. But individual differences, like being a morning or night person, studying needs, cleanliness, privacy and partying pose the most difficult challenges.

At the least, roommates need to be respectful or each other’s needs and space. Resolving differences requires good communication, problem-solving and negotiation skills. Knowing how to hold a family meeting is essential, because resolving conflicts often requires consensus decisions. So where do they learn these skills? At home. Which brings us full-circle again.

From Cradle to College — and Beyond

The process of separating, being independent and “leaving home” actually starts the day our children are born. So parents need to have different roles, at each phase.

Let toddlers take baby steps and fall occasionally. Be there to guide them. Let preschoolers explore and ask “Why?” Teach young children social skills. Teach school-age children self-care, self-responsibility and self-discipline. Then use the high school years to prepare your teen for independent living, decision-making and conflict resolution.

Throughout the years, develop and maintain mutual respect, open communication and trust. For these will be the foundation of your relationship – from cradle to college, and beyond.