Relationship Advice For Communicating About Money

When you live and love together, that pesky “M” word can become quite the wedge between you and your mate. The romance and intimacy are great but then along comes a question or decision to make and you two feel like you’ve hit a big brick wall. We’re talking about money here. In a love relationship, money sometimes seems to cause trouble and disconnect.

Let’s back up here… It’s not the money that causes the trouble and disconnect between you and your love, it’s the way that you and your love perceive money that can trip you up. Couples disagreeing about money are common fodder for sitcom storylines as well as stand up comic jokes. But it’s no laughing matter when you and your mate seem locked in a stalemate about a money issue that spills over into other areas of your relationship.

So if we have to have money to pay for what we need and want in life and we want to enjoy love and a connected relationship, how can that difficult “M” word be handled? Is it even possible? Of course it is!

Stu grew up in a loving but very poor family. At the end of the month, it was common for his family to eat bread and butter sandwiches as they waited for his parents to receive paychecks from each of their multiple jobs. He is thankful that today his life is different as he not only lives comfortably financially, but is also able to help his parents. Stu is also happy about his life with Karen, his new wife. Though they’ve been married only a few months, Stu has noticed differences in how they each handle money. Karen, who grew up in a solidly middle class family, seems to Stu to spend money carelessly—especially when she goes on shopping sprees. Each time she comes home excitedly showing him her new shoes and clothes, Stu inwardly groans thinking of their dwindling savings account. He would like to talk with Karen about setting up a budget, but worries that she will be angry. He doesn’t want to ruin her fun or rock the boat so early in their marriage.

Own your money stories
We all have them. Stu, Karen, you, us, everyone tells ourselves stories about what we believe to be true about money. They often spring from childhood experiences which can be reinforced and/or re-created as we get older. We want to stress to you that your money stories are not truer or falser than anyone else’s money stories. They are just beliefs you have about yourself and how financially supported you are (or not). Even if you grew up feeling financially secure and stable, you may still feel fearful or lack about money—as if there is only so much to go around.

Before you dive into a conversation about money with your partner, it is vital that you get to know the stories you tend to tell yourself about money. Take some time and inwardly ask how abundant you feel? Do you feel deserving of money/financial stability? Do you feel like there is something wrong with having and spending money (or not)? You may find that there are many side issues that tie in with money for you. Allow yourself to acknowledge those as well.

Share and listen with love
Once you have a clearer idea of what your money stories are it can be easier to know what you want. Stu wants to be able to talk openly with Karen about money and make plans about their spending. After acknowledging those old fears about “running out of money,” he can remind himself that he is in a different place now. When he sits down and shares with Karen his idea to set up a budget, he can come from a place of intention and presence and not so much from fear and lack.

It may be helpful for you to share with your partner what you’ve discovered about your money stories, but you don’t have to. What is most important is that you speak from the heart about the financial vision you have for yourself and the two of you. The next step is to really listen to what your love wants. It may not be easy to hear, but stay as open as you can. It might be helpful for you to remember that every idea your partner (and you too) propose does not have to be acted upon.

Both of you need to be heard and your ideas and desires acknowledged as valid. From there, you can choose which financial path you want to take for now. Watch as you two grow more than just your bank account together!