Relationship Advice For Creating Greater Intimacy

Most of us are pretty routine-oriented. We get up in the morning, brush teeth, eat breakfast and then head off to whatever form of work we engage in. Our days continue on in much the same way. Many of us also create time to connect in with our partner watching movies, having dinners out, and making love or other intimate sharing. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with any of this. If you feel satisfied, then you’ve found what works for you.

But what if a part of you (large or small) yearns for just a little bit more? Do you ever wonder if life could be even more than what it is now? When it comes to your love relationship or marriage, could it be more passionate, close and connected?

We know it can!

Those routines we create and become accustomed to form a sort of box around us. This is a familiar space because we’ve done the activities and played the roles within the box before. It seems safer somehow—we feel more guaranteed about how it’s going to turn out. This is all well and good but can become boring and dull.

Julie is a very organized person and likes to live life in an organized way. She’s dated the same guy—Hank—for 5 years now and enjoys very much the time they spend together. Julie feels satisfied about her job, relationship and life overall but she also feels a bit restless at times wondering if this is all there is. She sees herself with Hank for the long haul but, at the same time, doesn’t feel all that excited about the future she envisions. Sometimes she has intimacy ideas she’d like to try with Hank, but she never quite works up the courage to carry them out.

Everyone’s need for variety is different. Some people are truly happy living the way they’ve been living virtually forever. Others, however, want to explore outside the box they’ve built for themselves but fear what might happen. It’s as if there is an invisible line and, once crossed, unknown hurts and pain might happen. Julie, for example, may want to buy that lingerie she’s seen in the store window and put on a sexy fashion show for Hank one evening. What holds her back are fears that she’d look silly, that he would not think she is attractive in the lingerie and a host of other scary ideas. These fears are what keep Julie in her box.

There are no guarantees. At the same time, however, when you take steps outside your box, the unknown may include a more expanded connection with your love and passion you haven’t even imagined! When Julie takes those steps and puts on that sexy fashion show for her love, she may find a greater intimacy than before.

Consider these hints as you prepare to step outside your box….

1.) Let yourself go!
Too often we hold back parts of ourselves from those we love. A lot of this stems from fear and wanting to be accepted. You may have been taught from an early age that particular actions and ways of being are just not acceptable or possible for you and, unfortunately, those old beliefs keep you firmly in your box.

We encourage you to let yourself go. Even if just for a moment in your mind, allow yourself to live with no holds barred. If there were absolutely no limits to your relationship and life, what would you do? Get out a piece of paper and write down what comes to your mind. If “yes, but” thoughts come to mind, brush them aside for the time being. Pay attention to how it feels when you cross that invisible line—if only in your mind. How do the feelings of no limits compare with the feelings of self-limiting and “yes, but”?

2.) Take the first step.
Now, look at your list and decide one action you will take this week. It can be a really little thing. Julie may realize she’d like more touch in her relationship with Hank and decide to reach out and hold his hand more often. This may seem like no big deal to you, but for Julie it is a step outside of what she usually does. When she reaches for Hank’s hand and feels the love of this connecting, she knows that stepping out of her box is something she’d like to try again and again.

When you begin to do or say something that is new for you, you might feel resistance. When fears or doubts come up, just take a moment and remind yourself how it felt when you stepped outside your box in your mind. You might also remind yourself of times when you tried the unexpected in the past and how that felt. There may be times when Julie reaches out to Hank intimately and his reaction is not what she expects. He may be distracted, not feel well or the idea might not appeal to him. You can choose to take your love’s reaction personally and retreat into your box. Or, you can choose to move on to some other desire on your list. Again, remembering past successes and just how good it felt to expand from where you are will help.

Have fun with this and know that when you step outside your box you might be stepping into more intimacy, passion and connection with your love!