Self-manipulations, Justifications and Explanations Singles Use to Justify their Failed Relationships

During my many years of experience with Self-Awareness and Relationships I’ve witnessed often how many people use self-manipulations to justify to themselves why they AREN’T successful in developing an intimate relationship. These justifications apparently help them feel “good” about themselves. Unfortunately, by doing so they hinder their attempts to cultivate the relationship they hope for. Becoming aware of their self-manipulations and honest with themselves is therefore essential.

JUSTIFICATIONS SINGLES USE: A SAMPLE
Singles who have been on the dating scene for quite a long time and haven’t yet had success in cultivating a satisfying long-term relationship often tell themselves:

* “It is all because of him/her”;

* “I didn’t really want a committed relationship”;

* “The time wasn’t ripe yet”;

* “I’m too busy pursuing my career at the moment”;

* “I’m a special person who needs someone special”.

THE PROBLEM

Those using such justifications do themselves disservice. Rather than admitting the true reason(s) for their failures, they prefer to find excuses. Doing so apparently “helps” them to feel “better” about themselves, but will keep them sabotaging their attempts at cuitivating a successful relationship since they will not change their attitudes and behaviors which have failed them in the first place.

Not allowing themselves to admit the “truth” happens sometimes out of ignorance and lack of Self-Awareness. They believe in their own convictions and excuses; they don’t consider, even for a minute, that they might be using self-manipulations. When they fail in their relationships time and again, they might be telling themselves that they are someone who “loves people” who therefore “falls in love” very easily; that they have a genuine, in-bo
willingness to give whatever they can to and much love to bestow on their partner(s).

By perceiving themselves this way they justify why they don’t have lasting relationships: it is not them, but their partners – who don’t appreciate their love and care and dedication. As a “proof” about their being such a “nice, loving person” they attest to the fact that – in spite of their continuous failures- they always have a partner.

WHAT COULD BE THE REASONS FOR THEIR SELF-MANIPULATIONS, JUSTIFICATIONS AND EXPLANATIONS

In spite of the positive perception they have about themselves, their loving and caring behavior with their might be due to the fact that they are actually controlled by THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE (which also drives them to jump right into a new relationships the minute the old relationship ends). Their behavior might also be driven by INSECURITY and the need to feel they are desired (in which case “loving so much” might be attributed to THEIR NEED TO BE LOVED AND APPRECIATED and by the NEEDINESS TO GET BACK what they actually give to their partner(s).

Their needs for love and fears of rejection and being alone might also push them to bed on first date and start a relationship “the morning after”. When this happens, they don’t see their behavior as driven by LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND INSECURITY (needing love and caring), but rather might perceive themselves to be LIBERAL AND FREE, viewing men and women alike as having same rights and freedom to “do their life” the way they feel is appropriate.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-AWARENESS

As long as those behaving this way don’t become aware of, realize and acknowledge the self-manipulations and justifications they use, they will continue behaving in the dating scene and in relationships out of fears, needs and dependency, and will not be able to develop a healthy, successful and long-term relationship.