Self-Love the Foundation of Authentic Relationships - 3 Steps to Self-Love

Working with clients I’ve often found them wanting to attract a conscious loving partner or wanting to take their relationship to the next level. After some coaching clients usually can easily formulate what they want in a partner and how they want their relationship to be. However, when I ask clients how they want their relationship with themselves to be I often see them go blank.
Regardless if you are currently in relationship or single, the foundation for an authentic loving relationship with a partner is the relationship you have with yourself. So ask yourself right now, how is your relationship with yourself? Do you love yourself?
My own journey to self-love started about 10 years ago after my divorce. I remember feeling devastated after the break-up. My self-esteem was in the gutter. I couldn’t understand how I could have made such a poor choice of husband. How could I have been such a fool? Of course self-critical and judgmental thoughts didn’t help me get back on my feet.

I spent a few months blaming and judging myself, my ex-husband, men, and my life in general. I had the art of self-blame and blaming others mastered.

Looking back now, I realize that blame was an expression of the anger I had buried deep inside of myself. It was easier to cry and say that I was sad than admit that I could possibly be feeling angry. I had never learned to express my anger in healthy ways. “Girls are seen and not heard” “Girls don’t get angry” was the rule in the house where I grew up. So of course, by the time I got divorced, I had no clue how to share anger other than to blame myself and others for the circumstances of my life.
In my healing process I found 3 crucial points that are important after any divorce or break up to center one-self and find a way back to Self-Love. I’ve come to realize that these 3 steps are crucial in every relationship as they are the basis for Self-Love – which is the foundation for authentic loving relationships.

1. Quiet the Monkey Mind – Find Peace in Yourself!
In many Buddhist traditions, and in Psychology, the wandering restless mind is referred to as “monkey mind”. Pay attention to the messages you are telling yourself. They may be negative messages such as, “I’m not good enough.” “I’m never going to be in a loving relationship.” If you notice that the majority of your “monkey mind” thoughts are preoccupied with self-rejection, put yourself on a “negative thoughts diet.”

You have to be the catalyst behind changing these thought patterns. Your mind is not going to stop repeating negative messages by itself.

One way you can do this is to take the negative message and turn it into a positive one. For example, “I’m not good enough” can be transformed into the positive message “I am whole and complete.”

Always make sure that your new message is in the present tense, so that you can start embodying your new message right away. Now add a verb that evokes positive feelings such as “celebrate” “savior” “enjoy” “delight” in front of your sentence. For example “I celebrate myself for being whole and complete.” Every time you catch yourself in the old “monkey mind” pattern replace it with your new positive message.

2. Feel your Real Feelings – Expressing Feelings in a Healthy Wayr
We have a few thousand fancy names for feelings, however, to be honest there are only a handful of core emotions; Anger, Sadness, Fear, Joy and Love. Yes, you might say “I’m feeling anxious”, however, when you tune in that is a toned down version of saying “I feel afraid”. Or you might say, “I’m pissed”, which again is a toned down version of saying “I feel angry”.

So how can we get in touch with our core feelings? . Right now take a moment, take a deep breath, and notice what you are feeling. Are you feeling warm or cold? Pay attention to your stomach are you feeling hungry? Are you feeling Sad? Angry? Joy? Scared? Love? Just notice! Nothing to do. Once you become more comfortable with noticing what your core feelings are it is important to finding healthy ways to express them, to let them flow. Some of my clients like to work-out, which helps them to express their anger. Others enjoy writing in a journal. Talking to friends or a family member is another way that is helpful. It is important that you find a way that works for you.

3. Take a Break – Appreciate Yourself!
We live in a fast pace society that is very focused on progress and outcome. We often are not encouraged to feel, share, or express our emotions. This superficial way of being with feelings puts a lot of pressure on people. So give yourself a break. Stop the “monkey mind”, stop blaming, stop criticizing for a minute and appreciate yourself.

Take a moment right now. Take a deep breath. Now complete these sentences:
I appreciate myself for _____________________________________________
A quality I appreciate about myself in this moment is _____________________
Something I appreciate about my life in this moment ______________________

Appreciation is a powerful tool to connect with yourself, to love yourself, and to connect with your essence. Practice appreciating yourself daily. Put yourself up to the Self-Appreciation challenge. See if you can go an hour without blaming, judging or criticizing yourself and instead appreciate yourself.

Self-love is the foundation for every healthy, loving, authentic relationship. The more you love yourself, accept your core feelings, and have healthy ways of expressing your feelings the easier it is to navigate conflict in relationship with a partner. The more you appreciate yourself the easier it is to give and receive love and enjoy a loving, authentic, fun relationships.

For more valuable resources to attract, create & live in Authentic, Real, Loving Relationships visit http://www.attractingreallove.com/Site/Resources.html