Speaking The Truth In Love - To Speak Or Not To Speak

Do you struggle with speaking the truth in love in your relationships? If you answered yes, this biblical truth and tip will help you. One of the misconceptions people have is thinking that they have to speak their truth. They don't. Wisdom is needed in deciding who to talk to and what to say.

The purpose of speaking your truth is first and foremost because you need to communicate it. It is something that you want to say and have decided is worth saying. A secondary benefit is that the person you are speaking to listens, understands, and responds in the way you hope for. This secondary benefit isn't always guaranteed and is not as common in difficult relationships as in healthy relationships. Because difficult relationships have so many issues, "truth" isn't always welcomed. In fact, speaking the truth often results in repercussions such as arguments, misunderstanding, resentment, retribution, hurt, and reactivity.

So when evaluating whether you want to share your truth, consider the following:

1. What is your purpose for sharing it?

• You need to say it because it is something that you must say regardless of the outcome. You know that it needs to be said to uphold your responsibility to speak the truth. You won't feel good about yourself and the relationship if you don't say it.
• You hope to make the relationship better.
• You need to say it to help the person hearing it.

2. How will the person respond to what you say?

• Defensively because truth is not generally appreciated.
• Positively because truth is generally appreciated even if it is hard to hear.
• Not sure because truth is sometimes appreciated and sometimes not.
• Negative consequences will result because the person is punitive and manipulative.
• Hurt and devastated because the person is incapable of understanding due to mental, emotional, or personal issues.

If your purpose is to make the relationship better and the person will respond in a way that will result in improvement, then your decision is easy. But, if the person will not respond favorably, then you need to weigh the benefit versus the cost. If bringing up an issue to your spouse means that the evening is ruined for both of you and you can predict that nothing good will result from it, then you might not want to say anything. If your parent can't understand what you have to share due to age, senility, or emotional limitations and it will only cause hurt, then you might want to reconsider.

If you need to speak your truth to hold someone accountable or so you will feel better go ahead, but saying what you don't need to say to a person that it will do no good to speak to and will upset you instead can be foolish. Proverbs 26:4-5 says, "Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes" (NIV). Always think about why you want to speak and if the good outweighs the bad.