Table for Two?

Here is a math problem for you. You are in love. He’s perfect…everything you ever dreamed. He even loves you back. It’s a miracle! As he opens the really expensive restaurant door for you, you are quite sure you make a beautiful couple as you walk arm in arm toward the maitre d. Now, for how many people will you need a table?

If you guessed six, you are absolutely correct! (You did guess six, didn’t you?) In any relationship between two people, there is actually a crowd of six. You each have an authentic self, a projected self, and a projection of each other. No wonder it’s so difficult to decide where to go for dinner!

Let’s take a look at the breakdown of all of the people joining you for dinner. There is your authentic self, ever so delighted with the unknown. And there is his authentic self, ready to enjoy himself no matter what. There is your image or the person you wish to project. This is the one who orders the tiny breast of chicken and utters “I couldn’t possibly fit dessert” when what you really wanted was the lobster smothered in butter followed up with the double chocolate cake. He therefore assumes you eat like a bird and have an attractive self-control, and he interacts and makes decisions based on that assumption. His image of the person he wishes to project is the one who is kicking himself after seeing the prices on the menu and wondering if he should have gone with the understated gray tie instead of the flashy red one. You wind up thinking he’s wealthy and comfortable making a fashion statement when, in reality, he makes half the salary you do and is uncomfortable standing out. This table for four is confusing enough, but the party gets bigger.

There is the image of the person he projects onto you. This is the you he sees smiling at the waiter because you obviously find him more attractive. Perhaps the reality of it is that you can’t keep from smiling at everybody because you are so in love. And there’s the image of the person you project onto him. When you hear him telling you that he’s busy all next week, it triggers your fear of abandonment, and you decide the break-up is just around the corner, beginning a cycle of self-sabotage.

The party of six creates multiple relationship challenges. In between making faulty assumption and taking things personally, we barely have a chance to communicate our true needs and wants. And to top it off, we get attached to being right. We expect the other, at least our projections of other, to read our minds.

So, how can we figure out at any given moment who is speaking and acting for us and who is speaking and acting for them? To cultivate awareness of the relationships at this table for six, try some of these proven awareness builders:

Projection Busters

Just You-In-Me Kid : When in conversation with someone close, practice referring to the other person as “my projection of you”. For example, normally we would share a comment like, “You just don’t take responsibility with money!” Applying this exercise, the comment would be expressed as “My projection of you just doesn’t take responsibility with money.” It may feel a little awkward at first, but it is powerful. It allows room for the other person’s perceptions and definitions of what it means to be responsible for money while at the same time putting the speaker in full responsibility for her own perception. Can you see how this is more respectful and removes the need to defend ourselves on both sides?

The Matrix Technique: Remember how graceful and dignified Neo became at the end of the first Matrix movie? His perceptions were heightened to such an extent that he could see bullets coming at him in slow motion and simply step aside. When other is getting your goat, check in with your breath, slow yourself down, and see if you can begin to recognize the judgments and all that junk being projected onto you like Neo’s bullets. Move to the side and watch them pass right by. The key is to remain an objective witness. The instant you get hooked, is the instant you get shot!

Just Ask: Not sure why someone just did what they did. Ask. Are you thinking you know what someone else is thinking? Better check! Sure, it can be a little revealing and make you feel a little vulnerable. And there’s always that teensy-weensy, almost imperceptible chance that you’ll be WRONG, but isn’t it better to know than to make an assumption and operate as if it were true?

Image Busters

Get Uncomfortable: Do something you would never, ever do. Would you never, ever wear that God-awful shirt with those clashing pants? Do it. Would you never, ever be seen skipping down the parking lot to your car? Give it a go. Would you never, ever say no to your boss or never, ever flirt with the cute guy at the grocery store? Try it. You’ll survive and even free yourself up a bit. If you ever find yourself saying, “I’m just not the kind of person who would…” chances are, there is some image in that identification that could use some loosening.

Be Bigger: Choose one thing you think you can’t do, but want to do, and do it. Start small. Don’t think you can check your car’s oil? Just do it. Don’t think you can get in those extra reps at the gym? You can! In this way, you’ll be expanding your sense of self and realize that the don’ts are just stories we identify with as real.

Speak Up: If you find yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, get honest about it. Take the risk and expose the real you.

So this Valentine’s Day, as you gaze across the dinner table, see if you can come to a place of acceptance for and enjoyment in each person dining at the table with you. You may even want to buy three valentines for your sweetie. And if you’re lucky, he’ll give you three dozen roses!