The One Simple Secret To Changing Your Parenting Mindset, Part Two

In part one of this article, I spoke about why we should change our parenting mindset. How it will help us to control our reactions to situations. But how can we change our parenting mindset?

The very simple secret to changing your parenting mindset is to change your parenting mind! Sounds simple, but we all know it is much more complicated than that. So how do we do it? Hansen and Allen suggest you start by recognizing that little voice in your head. Let's start with – how does the voice speak? Does it speak in the first person, “I should not have screamed just now?” Does it speak in the third person, “You should not have screamed just now?” Or does it speak in the plural, “We should not have screamed just now?”

How will you know? Well, you just probably asked yourself either, “How will I figure this out?”, or, “How will you figure this out?”, or, “How will we figure this out?”. And there is your answer.

Once you recognize the voice, you can minimize it by playing with it. For example, when your voice is being critical and you are beating yourself up, it is really not helpful. Hansen and Allen suggest you change the voice to Mickey Mouse, or perhaps Darth Vader. Try Alvin and the Chipmunks. Basically, if the voice is being over critical, don't take it seriously! Change the voice so that it is impossible to take it seriously. I cannot tell you how amazing this strategy is.

Now this may be a great idea, but we can go a few steps further. How about we change what the voice says to being positive. That way, we can not only eliminate the negative voice, we can replace it with a positive, encouraging voice.

So let us give an example. Let's say Johnny tracks mud into the house from the backyard. Now I want you to picture how someone might ordinarily react. (Not the new you who is changing.) They may scream, “Johnny, how many times have I told you to be careful not to get mud in the house? Take your shoes off, change your clothes, and you are staying in your room for 1 hour because you made a mess!” Then, they start thinking to themselves, “Where did I go wrong with that kid? How come he can never remember to keep the house clean? I feel like a maid around here. No one cares about how hard I work around here.” Does this sound familiar? Of course, Johnny didn't mean to make a mess, he is just 3 years old.

Now, with this new method, you may still scream at Johnny, but as soon as that critical voice in your head turns on and you start beating yourself up, you immediately realize the ridiculousness of it all. Now, Mickey Mouse is telling you that you didn't raise Johnny right. Or Alvin and the Chipmunks are singing a song about your horrible parenting.

After this happens a few times, you may be able to stop before you even start to scream at Johnny. That doesn't mean you are not upset when Johnny tracks mud in the house, but you are now in control of your reaction and you can make a more rational decision about how to best discipline Johnny. You might even be rational enough that you will realize before Johnny tracks mud in the house how you might avoid it.

Try this. If it helps, find other ways to stay in control of your reactions to situations. You can never learn too much.