The Singles Scarcity Myth

Beware singles...you are about to be invited into a deception regarding the singles scene in your local area. According to the 2006 “Best Cities for Singles” research from Forbes.com (http://www.forbes.com/lists/2006/3/06singles_Best-Cities-For-Singles_land.html ), your home town may not be ranked very high on their list of the top 40 metropolitan areas. But before you pack your bags and move to Denver (#1 on their list), you might want to re-evaluate the situation.

The calculation of these “statistics” was based on “nightlife, culture, job growth, number of other singles, cost of living alone, online dating and coolness.”

So what makes Denver the winner? “Denver residents are energetic, educated and incredibly active--professionally, recreationally, philanthropically and socially--all of which make Denver attractive to single individuals looking to meet people, get involved or just have fun,” says John Hickenlooper, Denver's mayor.

Forbes adds to that: "... a raft of sports teams, cultural haunts and a sizable college crowd, and it's no surprise that the Colorado metro finishes first."

At first glance this may seem quite convincing, but let’s look at what it really takes to be a successful single.

Being a successful single is an inside job. Singles who know and live according to their values and life purpose; understand and adhere to their relationship “deal-makers”, “deal-breakers” and compatibility needs; and commit to a balanced and healthy lifestyle have a far higher likelihood of being relationally successful than even those who live in Denver, Boston (#2) or Phoenix (#3). Nightclubs, restaurants, museums, internet dating opportunities or even cost of living do not make anyone more successful in their relationships. It is truly what is in the heart that makes relationships work.

By the way, what is this “coolness” factor which Forbes includes in their formula? Coolness: Coolness is determined by an area's diversity and its number of creative workers (i.e., those whose jobs require creativity, such as artists, scientists, teachers and musicians).

This CAN be a very attractive factor. But I ask you this: Will it guarantee any higher level of relationship success? No…I think not.

And of course there is the online dating factor:

Online Dating: Due to the increasing popularity of online dating, we added this new measure to our methodology this year. The ranking is determined by the number of active profiles in each metro, per capita, on dating site Match.Com. Data provided by www.match.com.

The 82,000,000 (according to the 2000 census) singles in the U.S. are a multi-billion dollar business today. According to Bottom Line magazine, the world’s largest dating web site, Match.com, has well over three million profiles posted. In addition, there are literally hundreds of other dating web sites, all charging anywhere from $6.95 to $49.95 per month for their services. Add to this professional singles groups (who often charge $1,000, or more, per year for membership), matchmaker companies, and traditional personal ads, and you can see the multi-billion dollar business that the singles industry is today. And yet with all this wonderful technology and information, why are we still hovering at a 50% divorce rate? Because it is the inside of a person that makes the relationship, not the outer influences.

Think of a house as a relationship metaphor. In fact, visualize a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood. However, the foundation of this house was never fully inspected, and as a result there are several cracks and some shifting that has occurred. Now the walls have cracks in them, the doors won’t open, the windows are breaking, the roof is leaking...the house has lost it’s “integrity”. Furthermore, the neighborhood, or outside influences, have no effect on what is happening to the inside of the house.

It is integrity, which is synonymous with wholeness, which makes for a successful single. Healthy self-esteem, a positive support community, a balanced lifestyle, and a non fear-based outlook of life, are the necessary ingredients in building a solid foundation of singlehood. If we buy into the singles scarcity myth, our fear drives us to settle for less, and when we settle for less, we get less. This is the cycle that perpetuates relationship failure.

So here’s a challenge for the Singles everywhere: Commit to a more powerful and enlightening relationship with that person in the mirror...you won’t be disappointed.