They Loved You as Best They Could

They loved you as best they could.

One thought I hear from many of my younger clients and students is that when they grow up they will never be like their parents. One issue I work on with many of my older clients is an attempt, often unconscious, to fix their mother or father. They may not call it fixing, but when they routinely seek approval from an emotionally or physically absent parent they are attempting to fix the relationship and the parent. This is inappropriate. The pain this parent or parents create in you is being experienced by them as well. They are in deep pain, too.

Forgive them and forgive yourselves. Struggling to fix your parent(s) will keep you fixated on the pain and negative feelings. Work to release those hurtful emotions and open your heart to them. Love is the highest energy on earth, let it enter your heart and let it nurture the feelings of anger and sadness you may have for your mother or father. Know that they loved you as best s/he could and remember that they love us as they were loved by their parents.

It’s possible that your parent(s) are unable to receive your love. Perhaps they are shut down and in too much pain. They may be resistant to the love and gifts you have for them. It’s not your job to give them what you think they need, it’s your job to offer them what you want to offer without thought of how they may respond. The act of giving is a choice not a duty.

Your parent(s) may have seemed to not care about you and the love you have to offer, but for many of them your love and attempts to connect may have given them reason to be. Their lives may have been even worse if not for you. They may have seemed resistant to you but you may have saved them from a life of even more sadness. The minute you were born you started to give love. You gave your parents a role and a purpose, even if they may have seemed to ignore or not care. Do not doubt the affect you have had on your parents, your birth was a highly important moment for them. If they reacted to you in a way that seemed cold or unloving don’t take it personally, they are reacting to themselves and their pasts.

As you grew older you found others who were less resistant or more open to the love you had to give. You probably don’t realize the effect you have had on so many other people. You go where your love is received and you are much freer and happier because of it.

Awaken to life. Thank yourself for the love you have given your mother and father. Acknowledge yourself for the strength and resiliency you have shown as you grew without the love and support you wanted. Be open to the possibility of receiving this love at a later date and forgive your parents for not responding to you exactly as you wanted and forgive yourself for doubting that you deserved the love of your parent(s) and for believing that they didn’t love you.