Viva La Difference!

When a marriage first starts out, it is full of vitality and excitement. Of course, there are adjustments to be made, but most couples are on their best behavior making lots of efforts. And then the “honeymoon” is over and the work begins.

The hardest work in any relationship is the bridging together of two different people. This is true even if the couple shares the same race, religion, socioeconomic status, and neighborhood. Why? Because they have been raised in two different families who, more than likely than not, did things differently. This included variations in things like how birthdays were celebrated, how chores were done, and who handled the finances. In order to have a good relationship, two people do not have to be exactly alike. However, they do have to understand and accept that these differences exist. Only through this acceptance will there not be a sense of being let down by the other person because things are done, or even thought about, differently.

John Gray, in his book, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” makes you only too aware of the further differences that exist because you are of different genders. Again, these variations reflect a different way of looking at the world and the behaviors that result due to being brought up as either male or female. Not only are the genders raised differently, but more and more research is indicating that there are very definite differences between men and women which are biologically based. Yet, one of the major complaints I have found in my own practice is the sense that the other spouse does not understand. Upon further examination, the “lack of understanding” (and sense that one is not loved) is really nothing more than these different world views experienced by men and women.

Another reality that is often overlooked is the fact that people express themselves differently. This can happen for a number of reasons. People, having been raised in different ways, may be either open in discussing their feelings or not. Some who are uncomfortable with expression, or who do not feel secure to ask for what they want, might speak indirectly or drop hints. Though not without exception, men are often less verbal and more to the “bottom line;” women tend to need greater verbal understanding. And to make things even more complicated, people may use different modalities to communicate. A person may speak and/or listen in ways that favor visual, auditory, or kinesthetic references. As an example, following the same order just mentioned, a person might say either, “I don’t see a problem,” or “I don’t hear the problem,” or “I don’t sense a problem.”

Though all of this may seem a bit overwhelming, it’s really not. The truth is that the differences between you may really create novelty and heightened experiences. Or, as a couple, you may offer balance to one another. Imagine if one partner has a difficult time spending money – you might not ever get your house furnished. Luckily your partner is at the other side of this continuum. Of course, the more frugal partner makes sure the furniture purchased doesn’t leave them broke!

Yes, having these differences between the two of you is a challenge. At times, it will require understanding and giving in; at other times, learning how to compromise. But mostly, it necessitates an awareness of your differences and an ability to see it as just that - differences.