Why communication skills don’t always work and what does.

Couples come into my office saying they don’t know how to communicate. They often escalate into a full-blown argument or end up shutting down and pulling away from each other.
The assumption is that if they could learn to communicate well during arguments, they wouldn’t end up hurting each other or pushing each other away.
This is a common assumption shared by relationship experts and magazine articles. In fact is can be a set-up for failure.
Once we’re engaged in a fight it’s difficult to access our higher functioning brain and remember the steps to effective communication or the rules of fair fighting. Instead we get hijacked by the reptilian brain and react by attacking or withdrawing form our partner.
Think of two lizards reacting to a threat, they will fight, flee or play dead. Attack or shut down. This only increases our fear and escalates our reaction. What we really need is to find a way to feel safe and connected with our partner.
So what can you do when you’ve been hijacked by your “lizard” brain?
Notice you’re caught in a fight or flight reaction and that nothing good will come from it. Pause, take several deep breaths and stop arguing. Say something like, “This isn’t going anywhere good. Let’s end this discussion for now until our emotions settle down.”
Once you’re able to calm yourself and reflect on what happened, come back to your partner and make up. Talk about your emotions rather than your partner’s behavior. You can be sure if you had a serious argument that you scared the hell out of each other. Help each other feel safe again. Hold each other, offer a hug or hold hands. This will help to restore safety and, with access to the higher functioning brain, be able to process what happened and figure out what you can do differently the next time you’re about to go into a fight.
When you reconnect like this, you heal the hurt and create a love that lasts.