You Can’t Handle the Truth…

Many years ago, having been married a brief time, I came home after having had a strong, yet curious, experience. One I was both eager and frightened to tell my husband about, knowing what I had to say was considered a taboo subject. Eager, because I was the taboo-slaying Joan of Arc; frightened, because I had never seen a relationship work when two people dared utter—never mind explore—the truth together.

True to my higher quest, I could not help but venture towards the rabbit hole, alone or not. I felt burdened by my experience and assumed that my partner would have at least some interest in dropping in with me (it was my unspoken ideal of what love looked like—that we care deeply about what is important to each other); at least, I hoped, and dove right in…

“Have you ever seen someone, you know, like on the street, or while you were in your car waiting at a stop light and thought to yourself, hmmm, I wonder what my life would be like right now if I married that guy?” I said wide-eyed, rumbling on the brink of fascination. He stood, eyebrows raised, expressionless, poised like a soldier given marching orders, and walked away without saying a word…for two weeks.

Aha. Just as I suspected (frankly, as my mother warned me), men don’t want to hear this kind of thing. They don’t want to know how many men you have really slept with, they don’t want the gory details about anyone’s else’s appendages, they don’t want to know you have ever experienced pleasure outside of your relationship with them, if you’re frightened, insecure, needy—and definitely don’t want to hear that you are currently wondering what it might be like to be with anyone else aside from them.

Coincidentally, the same seems to hold true for us women; we aren’t so keen on hearing that our beloved has just fantasized about another life with some other woman (or man). We don’t want to hear that YES he thought that woman who just walked by was GORGEOUS and had fabulous breasts, butt, eyes, whatever. Nor do we want to hear that lately the relationship isn’t spicy enough, or that they have temporarily lost interest in sex, or are considering that perhaps this is not the relationship they signed on for…and on and on. The possibilities of what we are unwilling or unable to explore or include is as endless as it is difficult!

So what to do? What I usually do; I took this show on the road. I gathered a studio audience filled with men (I was pretty clear on where we women stood on the matter) and dragged 40 other men down the rabbit hole with me, determined for them to give it up. To cough up the truth, the whole truth and nothing but…their truth.

Thank God (dess) they came along willingly! Under the right circumstances men will tell you almost anything, particularly when they know you won’t hold it against them—for ransom!!

I started out the show asking men to imagine they are on a date or with their significant other at a restaurant, and a woman/girl/female walks by—an attractive one, at that. The girlfriend/mate notices they were looking just a little bit longer than the normal glance, which in girlspeak is over three seconds and constitutes a stare, which then reflexively triggers her claws and insecurity (if she has any)! Then she says the words men NEVER want to hear: “What are you looking at?” Oooohhhh, every man knows what I mean, too, because this is that moment, that place where they have to decide, should I tell the truth or not? Most men in this group, as it turns out, opt for NOT. Which is no surprise to me, so I press on (like I do) and ask WHY? Why don’t you tell the person you are with, the truth? Set her free, set yourself free. Validate her intuition. She knows it, she feels it, yet repeatedly we dance this dance, this unspoken agreement to keep each other hostage by trying to protect something we ultimately cannot. Our egos.

Invariably, each man told a similar story as I passed the microphone around. They want to say it (the truth, that yes, they were looking and liked what they saw), but they feel that the women cannot handle the truth and they would suffer the consequences or punishment (usually a withhold of sex). So the men decide, it isn’t worth it. (For the record, most women don’t tell the truth because we fear men will leave and we need them to stay, so we too withhold such truths.) I declare to my men that all of the above eventually turns to poison and kills the relationship—a slow, yet lethal seepage of lie-onide. And ask, what, if anything, can be done? and wait to see who cares.

A few brave men raise their hands and say they will bite the bullet, that they are tired of the game, want to be free and see whether the damage can be avoided with some compassion, patience and valor. My heart swells, I deliver copious hugs and close the show hopeful for all relationships now and in the future.

Regardless of the subject matter, I remain a faithful servant to the liberating phrase, The truth shall set you free. And today fill my life with people young and old devoted to the truth, whose hearts swell with compassion and expand with courage to venture towards greater freedom of being. Thanks to those brave men and my devotion to the truth, I am ever grateful and am no longer afraid to lose what is not possible to have. Blessings!