Your Relationship Reflects Who You Are

The state of our relationships in many ways is a reflection of who we are. Just as a thorn bush does not grow apples, being angry and bitter inside does not tend to produce happy, contented relationships. Too often how we see our partner says more about us that it does about them.

If we are accepting, forgiving, kind, and loving; our relationship is different than it is if we are judgmental, punishing, mean spirited, and withholding. This seems fairly obvious, however, people tend to convince themselves that the problems in their relationship would disappear if only their partner would change.

Too often in relationships we spend too much time thinking and talking about how the other person messed up or how they should be or what they should do. And we spend too little time thinking about the way we are in the relationship and how we are contributing to the problems. I frequently have clients tell me what cheerful, happy people they are; while at the same time they are harshly judging and condemning their partner. Generally they have reason to feel hurt and frustrated. But too often they fail to see how their choices to hold a grudge, build walls and withdraw their love has contributed to the ongoing marital problems.

I am not suggesting that you simply have to smile and put up with mistreatment and your relationship will be successful. (If you are being abused, get help and get out). What I am saying is that the place to begin to improve your relationship is with identifying how you are contributing to the problems and work to improve yourself. Start by becoming aware of how you speak to and how you treat your partner. If how you are treating or speaking to your partner is a less than respectful way, consider choosing to be more respectful. If your tone with your partner is rude and demeaning, although you may feel justified, you are damaging your relationship nonetheless.

Consider what you are grateful for about your partner? Notice the ways in which they attempt to demonstrate their love. Focus on what you appreciate about them, rather than the hurts or disappointments. Pay attention to your own behavior and be willing to accept responsibility for your own negative attitudes and actions. Do not allow your partner's behavior to determine your response. Choose to act rather than react. You will feel and be happier and set a good example for your partner.

In order for your relationship to improve, something has to change. Remember you cannot change your partner and complaining is the worst possible motivator. Choose to control what you can control and begin from the inside out. Forgiveness, although not easy, is a good place to start. When you forgive your partner for past hurts, a nice side effect is that you feel more peaceful. It takes a lot of energy to hang on to resentments.

When we are peaceful and content inside, we will either attract or produce a more peaceful, happy relationship.