Shela Dean
JD
Free
Relationship, Marriage & Intimacy Expert
Shela Dean Quick Facts
- Main Areas
- Relationships, Marriage & Intimacy
- Best Sellers
- Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy
- Career Focus
- Author, Speaker, Relationship Coach
My interest in relationships began during my 20+ year career as an estate and family atto
ey. I had long-term, very close working relationships with many of my clients. As part of my practice I found myself faced with a myriad of issues having to do not just with legal matters but also with how couples relate to each other. I saw the impact of both big and small issues on relationships; everythng from birth and death, addiciton infidelity, illness and divorce, to who put the dent in the car or burned the toast that morning. I felt I needed to understand the dynamics of relationships. I studied everything I could get my hands on to become an expert. Before long, I was counseling my clients on personal matters as well as on legal matters. My first book, Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, combines my personal marriage experience with the wisdom gained from those 20 years of practice. It all began over morning coffee and cinnamon-toast when I explained to my husband Dale the effect his being late had on me. Putting it in a context that would get his attention — sex — I pointed my butter knife at him for emphasis, smiled sweetly, and said. “Sweetheart, you need to know something about being in a relationship: foreplay is all day every day, 24/7. It includes anything and everything that affects how I feel about you. So here's an idea for you. Try racking up Frequent Foreplay Miles by being on time. The more miles you rack up, the more 'in the mood' I'll be." We laughed, but it got his attention. We soon realized that the simple idea expressed in our morning's playful exchange had legs and it became our philosophy to earn as many and lose as few Frequent Foreplay Miles as possible. We put our philosophy to use and became the envy of every couple. When hard times and challenges came our way, survivial was possible because we had early on made Frequent Foreplay Miles the strongest thread in the fabric of our relationship. We credit that philosophy as the reason we survived and emerged as a stronger and happier couple. I am now devoted to showing all couples how to have more Wow! in their relationship--in and out of the bedroom, and how to turn everyday stuff--from a trip to the grocery store to an uh-oh situation--into an opportunity to rack up Frequent Foreplay Miles. And much more.
Free Articles & Book Excerpts
Shela Dean Books
Articles by this expert
SelfGrowth articles and saved writing connected to this expert.
Article
Emotional Intimacy Starts With Touching
Touch is essential to intimacy. Okay, I know you think I've just stated the obvious but I'm not talking about that kind of intimacy. I'm talking about emotional intimacy and the hand holding, arms around the waist, bear hugging, back rubbing, cheek kissing, fist bumping, high fiving, shoulder rubbing, bottom patting, kind of touching that makes you feel warm and good inside (and can lead to that kind of intimacy). It's a fact: humans are tactile beings. We thrive on touch. Without it we whither and, no kidding, can actually lose our minds.
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Better Emotional Intimacy - 50 Ways to Love Your Lover
In 1975 Paul Simon released his hit song "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover." I recently looked up the lyrics and discovered something I'd failed to notice in 1975 when I was hummin' along. The song is about a woman giving a man advice on how to extricate himself from his current relationship. The song ends with said woman kissing him and suggesting that they sleep on it, a suggestion which leads him to conclude that she's probably right-there must be 50 ways to leave your lover. Hmmmm . . .
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Relationship Advice That Starts With You
Do an Amazon search on "self-improvement" or "self-help" and you'll get a long list of books to choose from (including my book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy). There are books on how to have better communication, better sex, more intimacy, fair fights, more fun, less conflict, a more fulfilling life, more self-confidence, more self-esteem, and so on and so on. What you won't find is a book based on the premise that you're perfect but your sweetheart needs a complete overhaul and would be a better partner if he or she were your clone.
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3 Reasons Why Keeping Score is Good for Your Relationship
You’ve been told it’s death to your relationship but I’m going to give you three reasons why, when done right, keeping score is good for your relationship. 1. It’s a human nature “lemon” so you might as well make lemonade. Mother Teresa and Gandhi aside, we all keep score. It’s human nature to notice if your sweetheart has AGAIN “forgotten” to call, left dirty dishes in the sink, embarrassed you, hurt your feelings, broken a promise, “won” the argument, or bestowed bragging rights with a fabulous gift or an out-of-the-ballpark home run of thoughtfulness.
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Three Ways to Bring Playfulness (Back) Into Your Relationship
Remember when you and your sweetheart first met? You counted the minutes until you saw him again. You called just to hear her sweet voice. The air was alive with the snap, crackle & pop of sexual energy. You couldn't get enough of each other and you were always on your best behavior. It was easy to be playful.
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Prenup Agreement - Legal & Financial Issues
The laws and regulations that govern our life are staggeringly complex. No one, not even an atto ey, can know them all. But, like it or not, your marriage is subject to a myriad of rules and restrictions imposed upon it by the jurisdiction(s) in which you live, beginning with whether you "qualify" to be legally married and culminating with what happens to your property when you die. That's the bad news. The good news is that, for the most part, you're able to write your own rules to fit your unique situatio IF you do it right.
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Relationship Differences - What We Can Learn From Each Other
One of the coolest things about being in a committed relationship is having someone to grow old with, someone with whom you share so many memories that sitting in the rockers on the porch won't be boring at all, you'll have so much to talk about. Equally as cool is how, if you open your mind and heart, your sweetheart can teach you things you might not otherwise ever learn, and can even help you be a better person.
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Relationship Arguments - How to Avoid Misguided Conflicts in Relationships
It was in grade school math that I first learned about reducing fractions to their lowest common denominator. I hated math. Still do. But, I've learned that "reducing to the lowest common denominator" is a great term for describing how, in human interaction, we "sink" to the most basic, least sophisticated level of those with whom we are engaging. If you've ever argued with a child, you know what I mean. Before you realize it, you're on that kid's level.
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Marriage Is NOT Hard Work
Marriage. It's hard work. Bologna. If my beloved had said, "You know, honey, being married to me is going to require hard work," I would have cut and run. My idea of a great marriage is not tantamount to labor camp. Yet we hear over and again, "Marriage is hard work." It's not. What's hard work is: * Being right. Just as you can't have left without right, up without down, cold without hot, or light without dark, you can't be right without someone else being wrong. While there are things that, based on empirical evidence, are objectively right, your opinion is not one of them.
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Greater Emotional Intimacy
Intimacy means being connected. Sexual intimacy is physical; emotional intimacy is connection of mind, heart and spirit. Great sex is a blast. If you've got it, count your lucky stars but it's not enough to sustain a relationship. For that, you need emotional intimacy and it's the death-by-a-thousand-cuts destruction of that fundamental requirement that is the downfall to many relationships. Great emotional intimacy is the most rewarding aspect of being a couple but to have it, you must pay attention to the basics: Be 10,000% trustworthy.
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Togethe ess in Marriage: What Is It?
Waxing poetic on the subject of love and marriage, Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet said, "Let there be spaces in your togethe ess." Gibran is not suggesting that couples take an occasional breather from each other (although that might be a good idea, too). In beautiful, lyrical language Gibran reminds us not to lose ourselves in our relationship, but to maintain our individuality, and that by doing so we are stronger as a couple. The passage includes this, " And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart . .
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How Differences Can Make a Better Relationship
Halloween. Every year it's a challenge to be creative and accommodating to my I'm-not-wearing-that sweetie at the same time. I love creative costumes. My ex was cooperative. He once allowed me to dress him as a topless dancer. The boobs I made for him out of balloons, cut up pantyhose, and baby bottle nipples would have been more convincing had I been able to get them the same size. Regardless, the costume was a big hit and I suspect-based on how well he carried it off-that my ex rather enjoyed the wig and the fishnets.
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Websites & resources
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Website
Shela Dean, Relationship Coach
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. Shela's common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples in their journey to improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
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Shela Dean, Keynote Speaker
Shela Dean is an experienced keynote speaker with presentations relating to building a better relationship and marriage. Learn more about Shela's presentations and book her for an engagement - conference, seminar or workshop.
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Website
Frequent Foreplay Miles
Home of the Intimacy Blog and more. Learn how you can have greater emotional intimacy. Shela Dean's blend of sassy humor, been-there-done-that wisdom, and common sense approach, embodied in her unique Frequent Foreplay Miles strategy, makes it fun to embark on a do-it-yourself relationship improvement course.
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Favorite Quotes & Thoughts from Shela Dean
"A successful marriage means falling in love many times. Always with the same person." -Mignon McLaughlin
As parents, the best thing you can do for your children is to love each other in their presence.
"Small moments? It's often those little gestures -- a knowing look, a pat on the back, an unexpected kindness -- that make a big impression and shape our favorite memories." - Tim Russert
"The success of marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but in the abililty of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married." — John Fischer
"Marriage is not just spiritual commmunion; it's also remembering to take out the trash." - Joyce Brothers
"Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side." - Zig Ziglar
Do something to make your sweetheart's day better. Guess what? Your acts of kindness make your day better, too.
Spontaneous fun is a shot in the arm for any relationship. Be open to unpredictable, surprise delights.
Emotional intimacy grows with mutual vulnerability. Share an innermost thought with your sweetheart today.
Mark Twain said, “I can live a whole month on one compliment.” Imagine how your relationship would thrive with a regular diet of “you’re the best!”
Most failed relationships suffer death by a thousand cuts. The small things count. Big time.
Laughter. It's great for your relationship. Share some with your sweetie today and every day.
Contacting Shela Dean
You may reach me by email: shela at sheladean.com
Or by telephone: 804.332.5328 or toll free: 888.254.3494
How to get started
Visit my site ShelaDean.com to learn about my Relationship Coaching services and SpeakerShelaDean.com to learn about my Keynote Speech Presentations. Also visit www.FrequentForeplayMiles.com to get free relationship advice and learn more about my book, Frequent Foreplay Miles -Your Ticket to Total Intimacy.