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30 resources
ARTArticle***"Why Can't I Forgive Myself For My Mistakes?Do you judge yourself for the past? Discover why and what to do about it.
Brianna wrote to me, asking:ARTArticle***"Why Didn't God Stop The Abuse?"Have you ever wondered why God allows so much abuse, so much pain, so much war?
"God has no hands but these." - Mother Theresa
I am often asked by my clients, "If God is all powerful, why didn't he stop my father (or mother, or brother, or babysitter, or uncle or a stranger) from abusing me? Why does he allow all this abuse to go on?"ARTArticle***"Why Do I Feel Shame When I'm Being Blamed?"______________________________________
What's really happening when someone blames and shames you? If you stopped taking it personally, what would you be feeling?
________________________________________
What do you generally do when someone blames you for his or her feelings? Do you find yourself taking it personally and blaming yourself? This is what Melinda struggles with:ARTArticle***"Why Do I Seem to Attract Rejection?"________________________________________
Are you perplexed regarding why you so often feel rejected by others?
________________________________________
Alana asked me the following question:
"My whole life I have felt that I don't fit in with others - in my family, school, work - and while I have a pleasant, friendly demeanor, I also have an underlying self-consciousness, and end up attracting rejection. Aside from my children and pets, I'm quite alone...and lonely! How do I tackle this dynamic? Many thanks!"
Alana, there are a number of issues here that need attention.rARTArticle******Filling Up Emptiness From The InsideFor many people, inner emptiness is a big problem. They believe that they can fill their emptiness from the outside, which is a false belief.
The cause of inner emptiness is a lack of a loving connection with your inner child - your essence, your true Self, your Being, which then results in an inability to share love with others. Loving yourself and sharing your love with others is what creates fullness.ARTArticle***A Different Kind of New Year's ResolutionThere are two kinds of New Year's Resolutions:
- What you are going to do to accomplish your goals
- Who you want to be
Many New Year's Resolutions are of the first kind:
- I'm going to lose 25 pounds this year
- I'm going to exercise every day
- I'm going to learn self-discipline
- I'm going to double my income
- I'm going to learn to fly
- I'm going to take piano lessons
And so on....ARTArticle***ACHIEVING “OK” IS “GREAT” IN MARRIAGEIronworks Inc. and Acme Steel have been doing business together for twenty-five years. Ironworks manufactures steel widgets and Acme sells raw steel. These two companies have worked together for all this time for two basic reasons: 1. They need each other.
2. The money is right. Ironworks believes they are buying their raw materials at a reasonable price and Acme believes they are selling their steel at an acceptable price.ARTArticle***Addiction to Getting Others To Change________________________________________
Are you focusing on getting your partner to change to avoid a painful choice that you might need to make?
________________________________________ARTArticle***Addiction to Video GamesEd consulted with me because he was conce
ed about his 16 year-old son.
"He doesn't have any friends. I'd like to spend more time with him but there doesn't seem to be anything he likes to do."
"How does he spend his time?" I asked.
"Playing video games."
Betsy consulted with me because she was conce
ed about her husband's lack of motivation.ARTArticle***Affairs: 8 reasons why they happen.For most of us when we sign up for marriage or a long term relationship are doing so hoping and trusting that it will be a monogamous relationship; so if we discover an affair it is a huge betrayal of that bond and trust with devastating effects on us and the relationship.
An affair certainly signals that there is a problem in the relationship, but most affairs are symptoms rather than the cause of the problems.
A key question to ask is “What problem in your relationship did the affair solve?”ARTArticle***Are You a Real Friend?________________________________________
Do you have good friends? Are you a good friend – both with yourself and with others?
________________________________________
"A real friend is one who helps us to think our noblest thoughts, put forth our best efforts, and be our best selves." ~Anonymous
What kind of friend are you? Below are some of the things good friends do.
Do you:
• Listen with caring and attention?
• Support what brings your friend joy?
• Have the courage to speak your truth when you see your friend harming herself or himself?rARTArticle***Are You Addicted to the Internet?________________________________________
Do you get addictively stuck on the Internet and can't seem to find your way out?
________________________________________
Our society provides many ways we can avoid our feelings addictively. Many people today are addicted to being on the Internet as one way of avoiding feeling an underlying pain that they believe they cannot manage feeling.
Cheryl asked:ARTArticle***Are You Confused About Boundaries in Relationships?Many people confuse boundaries - which are a way of taking loving care of yourself – with controlling behavior toward others.
Marilee told me in one of our early phone sessions: "I set a boundary. I told him that he couldn't speak to me that way any more."ARTArticle***Are You Hard On Yourself?
9 Reasons to Love Yourself InsteadIf you are hard on yourself, do you believe that this is helpful to you? You might want to re-evaluate this false belief.
Are you hard on yourself? Do you think this is a good thing? Do you believe this motivates you to do better? Think again. If you are doing well, it's likely in spite of being hard on yourself, not because of it.ARTArticle***Are you in a One-sided relationship with a Narcissist?“A Narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house”
Have you ever got the sense that your partner thinks he/she is generally superior to you, or more entitled to things than you are? Does he/she find a host of ways to devalue you or ignore you? Does he/she try to control you? If so, you may be living with a Narcissist.
If you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, it will be a one-way relationship, as he/she is particularly self- absorbed.ARTArticle***Are You Relationship-Avoidant?________________________________________
Do you believe that you want a relationship but never seem to find the 'right one?'
________________________________________
Most people say they want to be in a relationship, yet they consistently do things that keep them from achieving this. If you answer yes to some of the questions on the following list, you might be relationship avoidant – which means that you likely have a fear of engulfment.
• Do you consistently choose unavailable or inappropriate people?ARTArticle***Avoiding Your Feelings by Focusing on Your PartnerWe all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them. Some of the ways are obvious, such as using substances and processes. Some of the ways can be very subtle.ARTArticle***Can I Change A Narcissist?________________________________________
Sometimes we are clueless regarding the subtle ways we are trying to control, while being very aware of a partner's controlling behavior.
________________________________________
Tara asked me the following question:ARTArticle***Can't Say "No" to People?What are you afraid of if you say "No" to people? Here are some of the things my clients have told me regarding their fear of saying no:
"I'm afraid of hurting their feelings. Then they will get angry at me and I will feel like a bad person."
"I'm afraid of ending up with no friends.ARTArticle***Change Your Life With This Simple ActDo you understand the power of kindness to change your life?
"Extend to each person, no matter how trivial the contact, all the care and kindness and understanding and love that you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again." Og Mandino, 1923-1996, AuthorARTArticle***CHANGING UNDESIRABLE BEHAVIOR IN OUR KIDSBack in my undergraduate years I took a required course for all psychology majors entitled Experimental Psychology. Early in that course in a lab we were each instructed to train a white rat to turn right in a T-maze. (A successful trial was defined as the rat not going past a line on the left side of the maze and the rat had to proceed all the way to the right within five seconds—to eat a small piece of compressed grain.) When the rat made five consecutive “correct” responses, it was determined that the rat had “learned” the appropriate response.ARTArticle***Do You Define Your Adequacy By Looks and/or Performance?________________________________________
What was valued and approved of in your family as you were growing up?
________________________________________
When you were growing up, how did you learn to define your worth? Here are some of the things my clients have said to me:ARTArticle***Does Controlling Others Make You Feel Happy?Are you aware of the feelings you cause yourself when you attempt to control others rather than love yourself?
"I have never been able to conceive how any rational being could propose happiness to himself from the exercise of power over others." - Thomas JeffersonARTArticle***First-Date Blues – What Can you Learn?________________________________________
Dating is challenging for many. Here are some tips to turn it into a learning adventure.
________________________________________ARTArticle***Five Reasons Why Second Marriages Fail at a High RateFor some time the divorce rate in the USA for first marriages has held at about 50%. This is a national tragedy. This statistic also means that many people have subsequent marriages.ARTArticle***FIVE SURE WAYS TO RAISE A RESPONSIBLE CHILDAs an experienced clinical child psychologist I believe the ultimate goal of any parent is to rear an independent, responsible child. While at first glance this may appear obvious, if we observe most parents in action on a day-to-day basis, it becomes evident that many parents have no idea how to achieve this objective.
Most parents never take a course on parenting or even read a book or two on the topic. Ask many parents, "How do you foster independence and responsibility in your child?" and you are likely to get a blank stare.ARTArticle***FIVE WAYS TO ARGUE CONSTRUCTIVELY WITH YOUR PARTNERThe divorce rate nationally hovers at around fifty percent but it is several percentage points higher in Maricopa County, according to census figures. I believe divorce is a national tragedy, as it is terribly stressful and often expensive for the involved adults, quite sad for the parents of the couple, and absolutely traumatic for the children. A major reason for this unfortunate divorce statistic is that most couples do not learn how to settle their issues.ARTArticle***Getting Out of The Negative Relationship CycleShould you leave a relationship that is stuck in a negative cycle?
It is quite common for me to work with clients who are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship cycle. Sarah describes a common cycle that she wants to resolve:ARTArticle***Healing Celebration Anxiety________________________________________
Are the holidays a joy for you or do you dread them? Are you ready to heal your celebration anxiety?
________________________________________
What were celebrations like in your home? Were they fun, connected family times that you looked forward to, or was there something about these times that made you dread them?
The holidays are upon us. How are you feeling about them?
___I'm feeling excited! Holidays were so much fun in my home when I was growing up. I love the rituals, the decorations, the love and the sharing of gifts.ARTArticle***Healing Love Addiction Within a RelationshipRelationships can provide a wonderful arena for healing love addiction.
Many relationships flounder due to the issue of love addiction. Since people come together at their common level of woundedness - i.e., their common level of self-abandonment - if one partner is love addicted, it is likely that the other partner is also love addicted or addicted to caretaking the love-addicted partner.